A decision I should not regret

There are times in our lives when we just jump in with both feet and do not care about the consequences – the fall out so to speak. Today was one of those days for me. It was not selfish per say. I was thinking about myself in a lot of ways, but I was also thinking about those that I love. I was focused on two people that I love most. One of those might not see it as that initially, but unfortunately that is why this falls into the with “fall out” category of choices we make in life. Unfortunately every single choice we make in life has consequences whether good or bad. They affect us and those around us whether directly or indirectly. That does not matter so much as it is inevitable, but the results are what matter. Do our actions impact the outcome? I hope that the actions I took today impact the outcome for years to come.

I understand the feelings and that is why I took action. I know how hard it is. I also know what it is like to be there in the worst of it. It is miserable. I also know what it is like to climb out of the bottom of it. When you are miserable and do not feel good, you just do not take very good care of yourself. That is not good for making yourself feel any better. Unfortunately, it is a slippery slope and a very vicious cycle. In order to feel better you need to take better care of yourself but to take better care of yourself you need to feel better. You have to find something almost superhuman within yourself to overcome that almost demon-like sense that you are always going to be this way out of your mind. To not allow it to define you. See our medical problems are not who we are and we should not let them define who we are.

It is not easy to climb above the hard decisions we have to make for ourselves sometimes, but to see other people not want to make them is hard too. It is even harder to stand idly by and watch the people that you love most in your life choose not to make those hard choices. Maybe they are making some choices that will affect their life in a positive way when it comes to their health but to watch their potential be so much more and know that they could do so much more is truly heart breaking. You know and understand that you cannot do it for them and they have to want to do it or your efforts are going to be futile, but it is heart breaking all the same. It is harder when you in some way or another have stood there in similar shoes grasping from the bottom trying to climb upward.

Maybe your conditions are not the same and maybe your fight up is not the same, but your desperation is. That desperate fight to “feel better” is. That silent hurt and that silent pain is the same. You hurt and nothing makes it feel better. You always feel bad and nothing makes it feel better. That desperation is the same. You want to give up but you cannot. There is something inside you that just keeps you going. You do not know why and ultimately it does not matter why or what, but you do. You do. Hang onto that. Hang onto that fight, whatever it is. That little flicker of “fight,” hold onto it and embrace it because it will keep you fighting for another hour, another day, another week, another year…it will keep you fighting.

We do not know what drives us until we one day realize that we have overcome something that was hard. We look back and we realize that we can do this and we can do “hard things.” That what is in front of us is not so bad any more because of where we have been. We look forward with a different look on life because we understand with a different perspective what it truly means “what does not kill us makes us stronger.” We are survivors in our own minds. It does not matter what the rest of the world might see, in our minds we have fought the biggest battle of all…the one that matters. The one that drives us to overcome whatever keeps us down.

I will be honest with you…sometimes…sometimes…sometimes, we cannot do this on our own. Sometimes we need someone to give us that little nudge, that little push, that little pull to help us get started. Maybe it is just a little voice of encouragement. Maybe it is just a hand to hold when we need it. Maybe it is an ear to listen. Maybe it is the gentle voice to reassure us. Maybe it is just someone to be there when we are going through it all. It does not matter what it is, sometimes we just cannot do it alone. No one should ever be alone when they are going through something hard. No one should ever have to carry their heavy burdens (whatever they may be) alone…

Sometimes, we might need a bigger push, a kick, a shove even. I will confess to hoping to be that someone today. I will admit to wanting to be that bigger someone, that someone that helps drag someone across the finish line because they cannot get there themselves. I am not shy, I will admit it. I will admit that I do not want to stand idly by when I can do something to help. I can do more than reach out my hand and not have it received in return. There are times when being stubborn or afraid are just not enough anymore. There are times when the helping hand has to move past that and just embrace it and hold on with everything they have and expect compliance because that is the only way that anything will get done.

Today…I started that process. I might regret it. I might even bring down other people with me in the process, but today I do not care. I cannot stand idly by and watch idleness destroy the one thing that is precious to me – life. I truly value each day because it is a gift. I wake up each day grateful for another day. It may not be a great day, but it is another day. I have another day to face and fight the hard fight. I have another day to learn to deal with the challenges I face. I do not enjoy them, but I get to learn to live with them. I get another day to learn to enjoy the days I have ahead of me. I get to shape and mold the way that I live in the future by what I learn and do today – each today. I an choose to ignore the day or I can shape and mold it for a better one. I choose a better today tomorrow. Maybe tomorrow will be just as bad, but maybe a week from now it will be better because of each experience I have had today.

It is not easy living with something that takes a lot of time and is hard to manage. It is harder to be on the outside looking at it, watching that person suffer knowing that something can be done. I understand that will all of my being. I do not enjoy having to read every food label and then worry about what every single ingredient is. I do not enjoy having to research things to make sure that it is safe for me to eat. I do not enjoy it. I want to go back to a simpler time when I could eat whatever I wanted. It was easy. It was comfortable. The reality is, however, that I will not get that again (at least not in any foreseeable future) so I have to come to some sort of acceptance and adjust to that reality that is my life as it is.

I honestly believe that acceptance is the hardest part. Acceptance of that new reality that is not easy. That lifestyle change that hard that becomes the norm and is permanent. It is not what we chose for ourselves and yet it is forced on us by something that our bodies decided for us. Not all problems with our bodies failing us is caused by bad choices we make, sometimes it is just bad genetics and we have to accept the fallout as it comes. Acceptance is hard. Accepting reality is just plain hard.

I like to think that we can do hard things though. We are fighters when we can do hard things. We are survivors when we can do hard things. We do not necessarily have to do them perfectly 100% of the time, but if we can put forth some effort some of the time we begin to realize that any effort is better than none. That little bit of effort can go a long way in helping us adjust our outlook and perspective on things going forward.

Sometimes we do need help to make that effort because doing hard things is – hard. We need help. Sometimes we are stubborn and cannot take that first step. I hope that the step that I took today is one that will help someone I love very much realize that we are looking out for their best interest and understand that they too can do the hard things. I do not want to stand idly by. I cannot fix them. They have to do that themselves. They cannot cure themselves. There is no cure. There is no cure for myself, even. There is a new tomorrow and there is a lot to look forward to. There is a lot to live for. I personally have given them a lot more to live for and I would love to see them embrace that and enjoy that again. Life is too short as it is, I hope that they would not let it slip away when they can do something about it.

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