Silent observations

I have come to the conclusion that no matter how hard we try there are some times when our perception of trying is going to fall short of what other people expect of us. The truth is that we will always let other people down no matter how hard we try. We can brace ourselves for this disappointment or perhaps we will just be blindsided by the realization when it hits. It does not matter that realization hurts when it comes. No matter how hard we try to change ourselves, we cannot immediately expect people’s perception of us to change. We cannot expect people to suddenly stop and expect differently. We cannot expect change in others. We have to be our own change.

A little change is a good thing, unfortunately, a little change as positive as it is often overlooked and it is not enough to change perception. It is often miscued and overstepped. It is forgotten because it becomes some engrained in the mundane daily life that no one sees it except for us when we have our quiet moments of reflection of where we were and where we are. We count our own shortcomings and drops in our own buckets. We look at our own misgivings and misguided perceptions of the world around us. Sometimes it is best to keep that all to ourselves because we are ultimately in charge of ourselves and who and how we are and who we become.

We are the ones that must be master over our souls and how we react to things around us. We can choose to let things bother us or let things roll off our backs a little more easily. We can let things get to us or not. We can let things be serious or be a little more laid back. We are in control of that. It is not easy and no one is perfect at it. The important thing is that we are all striving to improve ourselves and not crush someone else when their efforts fall a little short. It is important that we “give each other the benefit of the doubt” that they are “doing their best” and encourage them along the way instead of trying to be the better person at that very moment. The truth is that at that moment, when we think we are better, we have more short comings to shine forth in front of them. We cannot pass judgement as we will have more judgement passed on us. Unfortunately, the circle will come around to us. It is a circle and it does come around. All the way around.

It does not matter the amount of name calling or the notions we have in our head. It does not matter the things that they have not done at that moment, because what becomes obvious is the things we have not done ourselves. The dirt and garbage all comes out. It simply cannot happen any other way. There is nothing to stop that hurt and anguish once it starts. No amount of improvement, visible or unseen, will conquer or undo it. It is all unseen after that. There is nothing to see at that point. You have changed nothing. You have done thing. You can do nothing. You will do nothing. You are nothing.

Fortunately, there is one person that we can take all of our feelings of inadequacy to. Fortunately, our Heavenly Father loves us in spite of all things. He holds all judgement and while he might chastise us quietly to humble us, he never does it publicly or ridicules us to make us feel smaller than we are. He helps us pick ourselves back up and guides us to where we can get back to where we can continue to do the things we should be doing. He understands how hard the test is. He understands how hard sometimes our own inner battles are. He understands that sometimes we are our biggest judge. He also understands that sometimes we feel like we are fighting an uphill battle. He understands. He also wants to see us succeed. For him, failure is not an option. He wants to build us up. He wants to see us happy and delighting in the small things. Those small accomplishments are worthy of celebration, they were a feat. They might not be in the eyes of the world, but if for those few small things we “put off the natural man” and we defeated the “natural man” we got his vision. We aligned our will with his will for a small amount of time. It is not perfection. It is not even an eternity of getting it right. It is just managing to get it right at that point in time, getting it right and trying again, to have the strength and courage to do it again. To put our faith in the ourselves that we can do it again.

Change is forever facing that battle of doing something that might be a little harder than we might expect or want. It is stepping outside of that comfortable and doing it anyway. It is getting past the it is working just barely. It does not happen over night. It is not always huge and recognizable. Sometimes it is just small and so minute you do not see it because it is so gradual you do not see it until you realize that you have not done something it so long. It might be that you simply do not call someone names for the first time in a long time when you have a fight. It might be that you do not go ballistic at the drop of a hat. It might be the little things that people get so used to dancing around that they still dance around them anyway even though they do not have to. Like I said, their perception does not change because they are so used to the daily grind that they have not changed what just gradually happens. It does happen, they just did not expect it. They did not see it. They did not notice it when it happened. So when it did, they did not take notice. It is not their fault really. It happens. You cannot even blame them really.

I suppose that if a change has to happen, gradual and unnoticeable is probably best. It is the least painful and shocking to the system. It is the easiest to accept over the long term. Those that are most resistant to change of course accept it but question it along the way when they start to figure it out. They may not even accept it when it is point it out because they have not observed it. It does not negate the change, it just means they have not personally witnessed it.

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