I crossed the one year mark

The one year anniversary of my hysterectomy pretty much came and went without much fan faire. That is as it should be.

Thirty five years old and I can say that I lived to tell about it. The best part is that I do not regret doing it.

Many people might question that statement that know me well enough to know what I have been through the past year and a few months, but the truth be told that there are no regrets.

Closing the door on that segment of my life has been nothing by joyous and momentous. I quite like it. The fact the life changing surgery would in fact change my life is where the questions lay. They are not whether or not the surgery was a success. It was. They are not whether or not the problems that we were fixing with the surgery are fixed. They are and anything else that was found during surgery. The questions are in how much has my life life changed since the surgery and everything that has been discovered since then.

See the surgery was a piece of cake in the grander scheme of things. It was the turning point in discovering the problems that laid hidden in my body. They were there, laying in wait. The surgery just woke them from their peaceful sleep.

Pain is a lovely mask. It really is. When you are in pain, it can cover other pain. You can be in so much pain that you no longer recognize the different pains and where they come from. You may even become accustomed to their presence if you have the pain tolerance for it. It is there all the time, just a little bit, so you learn to live with it. It does not slow you down. Since you have it, you no longer notice. It is just there. Until something changes. Then something else changes. Soon enough there is a level of pain that astounding you cannot believe you no longer have – once it is gone. Like I said, pain is a good mask.

My hysterectomy? It stripped the mask off at the masquerade ball of sorts! There it was, fully exposed all over again. It would have seemed that the surgery was a failure. Tests and time showed otherwise. It was a success, I just needed to let it be just what it was. Nothing more, nothing less.

Of course, I was not prepared for the year long struggle to find the solution to the problems. An uphill battle I am still fighting. A struggle emotionally, mentally, spiritually, and physically. It is not easy. One test after another comes back leaving us empty handed. I have baffled specialists. I have a surgeon who is a top notch surgeon in one of the leading medical facilities in town down in the medical center who agrees I need surgery but will not do it without first figuring out why I have the problem so it does not happen again. I have a team of experts that hope back and forth between. I am grateful for my primary physician who brings it all back down to earth and focuses it all back to me and how it fits into my every day care.

Today, all I want is to be able to lay down an sleep like a normal person. I just want to be able to eat like a normal person. I just want to be normal. I do not want to worry about medicines I take or am allergic to or might be allergic to or might react to or might make my bladder spasm. I do not want to think about which medicine will give me reflux and heartburn that I will then have to treat with medicines that do not actually work. Today, I do not want to think about how much it will hurt to eat. I just want to eat. I do not want to look at a food and immediately think “that’s a jar full of pain.” Today, I do not want to think about how yet another test will be in my future that will or will not give us a tiny clue as to what is going on. Today I do not want to think about what they know is wrong with me.

Today, I survived a year. Today, I am just grateful for modern medicine and to live in a time where we have it. I am grateful that I have healthy children and a husband who loves me through all this. Today, I am grateful for the medicine that treat the symptoms that while not perfect help manage.

Today, I am grateful for my hysterectomy. I am healthier today than I was a year ago in some regards. Not on every front, but in some ways I am healthier. Today, I am grateful that on January 14, 2011 I had a fabulous doctor do a life changing surgery to fix problems that would not reverse by themselves.

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